apparently the secret to your success is patron
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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