Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
