At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
