I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
