are you still at the devil's house?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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