just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
