I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
