WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
