in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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