Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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