My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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