My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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