I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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