when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize