Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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