Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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