The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
