Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize