this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
