Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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