2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize