I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
