The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
