we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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