Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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