my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
