A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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