If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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