Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
