Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
