I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
