Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize