If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
