I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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