I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
