I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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