Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
True strength comes from lack of pants
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
