There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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