Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize