Cold hands, warm shart.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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