i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
