So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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