dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
