I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
