New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
