I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize