Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
