I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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