I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
