Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
