I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
