I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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