I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
