i just sent this text using only my big toe
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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