You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
