i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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