Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize