we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
50% drunk capacity currently
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
