we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
