During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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