getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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