My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
