I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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