I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
it hurts more in the daytime
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
