Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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