He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
