Where did you get a picture of my penis
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
